<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>It should've been me by LostHiddenSoul</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28487607">It should've been me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostHiddenSoul/pseuds/LostHiddenSoul'>LostHiddenSoul</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dead!Kortopi, Dead!Shalnark, Guilt, Other, Revenge, Spoilers, Survivor Guilt, implied Hisoka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:20:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>582</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28487607</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostHiddenSoul/pseuds/LostHiddenSoul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It should have been her. The thought never left Machi’s head. And would never leave.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It should've been me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the beginning of the end.</p>
<p>She still remembered the pain hitting her chest and the agony flooding her brain the minute she saw Kortopi and Shalnark, both dead, both just recently dead, by the very man she had in her hands minutes ago. Could she have done anything different? Her heart ached just at the thought of it, the tears she always avoided shedding now streaming down her face freely as if she was a child. It was a moment she would never forget, no matter how long she lived, no matter how many more deaths come her way. Those two, those first two, the ones that started it all, would forever be the worst ones.</p>
<p>Because for several nights after that her mind would stay wide awake, her eyes open, staring at something she wasn’t really looking, recreating that bizarre and morbid scene on her mind, replaying the moments all over again like a self-inflicting torture. She deserved that. She deserved to suffer for the deaths she wasn’t able to avoid.</p>
<p>Hisoka dead, her stitches, him coming back to life, his warning, his threats. And the two bodies, right in front of her, almost like accusing her of being so tolerant all those years, so condoning with the attitudes of a man who never hid how much pleasure he would take from a life-or-death fight with the danchou.</p>
<p>It should have been her. The thought never left Machi’s head. And would never leave.</p>
<p>She was the first to see Hisoka alive. She had her guard down. She allowed him to walk away. It should have been her.</p>
<p>Telling the others was the hardest part. She tried her best to wipe her tears, clean her throat, speak with her usual dead-cold tone. But when Chrollo picked up the phone and she had to say it out loud for the first time, her voice broke.</p>
<p>“Kortopi and Shalnark…. They’re… they both are…” she paused for a second, sobbing. Chrollo remained quiet. “They’re dead, danchou.”</p>
<p>For a long time, Chrollo didn’t say anything, like he needed time to process that information. The information that should have never been. Machi hated herself for being the one that had to deliver it.</p>
<p>“Who did this?” was all he asked.</p>
<p>“He did it,” she said, and Chrollo understood perfectly.</p>
<p>“He’ll pay,” he said, somber words coming from the phone, dark as the feeling inside her.</p>
<p>Chrollo hung up before Machi could say what was in her throat.</p>
<p>“It should have been me,” she murmured; softly at first, then in a crescendo. “It should have been me. It should have been me. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!”</p>
<p>A storm washed the city right after, her tears getting lost in the rain. It suited her, that weather. Disappear was all she wanted. Melt in the rain, dissolve her own body and go down the gutter along with all the dirt, the mud, the rats’ urine, and forever be gone, forever forgetting the pain that insisted on finding shelter in her heart.</p>
<p>But she wouldn’t do that.</p>
<p>For a second time, she wiped her tears. She was soaking wet, but just like the rain, tears wouldn’t last forever. As for now, she had a job to do. And that job was to find the man that she once held in her hands. She would hold him one last time.</p>
<p>And the hands that for so many times allowed him to live, this time would bring him his death.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>